This Morning

i talked to my mother , told her about the dream journal iv'e started keeping.
i still have not been able to get that one specific dream out of my mind ,
so i decided to tell her about it. Half way through , i got choked up
and lost my words . Losing everything that i was trying to say in an endless stream of tears. That dream still breaks my heart.

I had this dream early in the morning on December 29th..

I dreamed of Nick tonight .
He hadn't died. He was very much alive ,
we were all just misinformed. I'd discovered he was still alive
the day i'd gone to begin discussing getting a tattoo in his memory.
I managed to get back in contact with Nick, glad that i could talk to him.
Glad that no one was mourning his loss. I felt blessed that i got to
talk to him more , and one day i called him to talk about the tattoo
he'd originally agreed to design for me. We were both energized
about the tattoo , seeing as i have a passion for the inks.

In the middle of the conversation things took a drastic change.
His voice cut out and i heard the screeching of brakes on a vehicle.

I then found myself in the middle of the women's locker room at Pipe Works Gym.
I took a break from the post yoga sauna and looked at my phone .
I had missed calls , voice mails, text messages.
They all told me something similar.
Then the phone calls . Mom and Kayla .
Kayla confirmed what i already felt.
I called mom and fell to my knees crying in the locker room floor.
Numbly mumbling that Nick had died. The Nick i knew.
Brooklyn's brother, the one who i'd gone to school with since 8th grade.

The following days seemed to mesh .
The vigil; with jasmine , trina , bryar , dylan, and kayla.
All of them breaking my heart a little more.
The funeral; seeing your girls so so strong.
Seeing my own father shed tears for a young man that he'd
seen at a distance only a handful of times.

The balloons being released. The car alarms going off and seeing the turkey.
Nick's coffin being lowered six feet under.
I stayed for it all . I told jasmine i loved her ,
and that i'd always be here for her.
Hugging Brooklyn and telling her it was an honor to know her brother.

I relived all of that .
I woke up , tears streaming down my face.
I woke up , remembering that he really is gone.

I had to relive all of that.

yet again

another day goes by ,
i'm still depressed. i want so badly to be happy.
i want to be needed, to close the gaping hole in my heart.
i am still anxious, panic attacks around every corner.
I am still sleep deprived, missing the days of endless slumber.

another day goes by ,
i find that it is yet another day.
yet another day i have lived .
another day i have lost.
it is another day where i have seen and discovered.
i am still incapable of expressing grief.

this just isn't my year

i'm ready to be done with every thing i HAVE to do.
i want to quit college .
all of my attempts are inevitably futile.
forget the damn Ph.D !
forget the finals i have to take next week!

i want to call it quits.
nothing means anything any more .

i wish life had an inbox,
so i could mail in my two weeks notice.

not going to kill myself.
just killing my dreams ,
because i don't even know what i want anymore.

and if i don't know , then i'm surely a lost cause.
part of me wishes to be a selfish child , holed up in my room.
focusing on what makes me happy , neglecting all responsibilities ,
doing everything and anything i want...just so i don't have to stress about all of the ways iv'e potentially screwed my life up , or all of the ways i could screw it up in the future.

Nicholas Shane Brown

Rest in Paradise .
12/21/1990---08/14/2010

This is my letter to you . I wrote it out , printed out
this picture , and gave your letter to your family .
Brooklyn promised she'd try to read it to you for me,
if i can't make it to your funeral.


Nickety Bee

I can't stop thinking 'bout you buddy . you were this crazy wonderful spontaneous origonal & amazing force. now your'e gone . :(
everytime i see my class tee, i'm going to think of you. remember , me you & jas hanging out at senior bbq? Acting crazy and having insane water bottle fights with jasmine...("it's in my booty guys!!!").. we ran around yelling that like goobers, laughing at that crazy girl and our crazy jokes? Remember you being such a sweet heart? giving me big bear hugs and taking the time out of your day to ask me how mine was, just 'cause ? I'm always going to remember you nickety bee.
your zillion kilowatt smiles , beautiful eyes , big heart , and even bigger bear hugs. that's the Bee i'm always going to remember. I hope that you'll remember me, if i ever manage to make it to heaven. I'm certain that's where you are Nicky.
Jas' mommy is walking with you , and helping you watch over everyone. I'm sure she's keeping a close eye on you & taking care of you just like jas did. the world is weird with out you in it. It got alot colder the day you left. it's not as bright with out that fantastic smile of yours .
we miss you already Nick.
Love & a big bear hug to you.
Alexis Kay Shaffer (aka: lexis gurrrl!)

the sweet things people say

well basically i'm posting this blog mainly
for myself ... well this entry in particular.
because it's things that people have told me , and they make me smile
and will surely brighten up my day if i'm having a bad one.

Angela :
Alexis! One of the upperclassmen I love! In choir, you were like a big sister to me and I absolutely adore you for helping me through that class. You are always so nice and sweet and funny and mad talented to boot. I love you! I miss hugging you though! You really are an amazing person and I feel so lucky to know you a...nd be friends with you. Anyone who knows you is lucky to have someone like you in there life. ♥♥♥

Stevie :
alexis i love how you are hella funny an amazing sweetheart and a huge dork you know how to make everyone smile and you are an awsome person ily stevie.

Brandon H. :
You don't take shit from anyone. That's what i like.

Heather:
I'm so glad and feel truly blessed that you decided to email me. I've come to think of you as a sister. I truly value our talks about our silly boys. I am glad that I can turn to you for anything without judgement. Someday, you are going to do great things!!

Savyy:
i like how your the coolest counsler ever!

Michelle:
I like your core inner strength... your ability to be calm in a storm, your perserverance in spite of everything, your talent with people, your kindness, your humor, our mutual love of music and your personal ability to be outstanding and awesome in a tough world.

Julie:
Thank you, dearie! I don't think you realize just how much that really meant to me...especially so close to camp when everything is beyond crazy.

Honored to know such a wonderful girl, well, young woman, such as yourself, too! ♥

Evan:
Alexis, I'll always be your little creeper. I know we don't talk as much but suffice to say I love it when we do and I love you for all your humor. You're a wonderful, wonderful woman and I want you to know that I care for you deeply. Please, take it easy. Everything will turn out wonderfully.
Love,
Evan

all is fair in love & war ...

bullshit.
nothing is fair about love .

it isn't fair that great people have to suffer
for the sheer stupidity of a select few .
it isn't fair that iv'e got to wait even longer to see my best friend.
i was supposed to see him this month. but now . i'm of course , in a double bind.
my grand parents will be here next week . i'll get to spend a week & a half with them , and then I leave for camp for a week .
theyr'e only staying for a month .
and it fucking sucks that i have to WAIT even more to see HIM!
there for , NOTHING , in my opinion ; is fair in love .
love is war.
it's not a war you wage with someone else over fallen territories and results in bloodshed & lives lost .
it is a war with yourself . you fighting to keep your sanity
just so you can have even a few moments with the person that means the most.

i now really do understand what john mayer was talking about in heart break warfare.

it's been exactly one year.

one year since i was last in a highschool classroom .
one year since i walked the stage at arco arena and got a diploma.
one year since the bbq , and being surrounded by extended family.

it's been a freaking year , and what do i have to show for it ?
a few stupid units at a damn community college .
even more uncertainty about the rest of my life.

an even deeper hole in my heart.
a realization that on june second , it's been precisely a year since the last time
i saw the boy who means the world to me.

A FUCKING YEAR!?!
it feels like he's been gone for an eternity !

i hate this feeling .
i honestly wonder if all of this bullshit is even worth it!

6 months ( Hey Monday )

this song is speaking to my heart tonight.
it's making it ache in every way imaginable.
i hate this damn godforsaken feeling .
i'm tired of the effect of this boy has on me.
i just want to call it quits.
i want to give up .
i'm not good enough for him , and i know it .
i never will be . it's killing me inside to realize this.

but this is a song , that describes my EVERYTHING
with words that i can't seem to find on my own .
this song makes me cry . and hate him , and myself .
i'm a coward . no wonder i'm hateful and bitchy .
i spend most of my time being so damn mad at myself
for not having the nerve to just do something about
probably the best thing in my life .
the guy that wandered in on a December after noon ,
the middle of seventh grade. the one who left me fumbling
for things to say , and made me feel like an idiot
for making eye contact with him .
the one that took me three years of friendship
just to get the nerve to give him a hug!

i am so beyond helpless when it comes to him .
why is it me that has to figure everything out ?
why can't he take initiative?
WHY?


6 Months , by Hey Monday.

*VERSE* :You're the direction I follow ,to get home.
When I feel like I can't go on ,you tell me to go.
And it's like I can't feel a thing ,without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees,
Cuz you have that effect on me ,You do.

*CHORUS* : Everything you say, every time we kiss, I can't think straight.
But I'm okay. And I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss,
As much as I hate missing you.

*VERSE* :Months going strong now ,and no goodbye.
Unconditional, unoriginal, always by my side.
Meant to be together ,meant for no one but each other.
You love me ,I love you harder so..

*CHORUS *

*VERSE* : So please, give me your hands.
So please, give me a lesson on how to steal.
Steal a heart as fast as you stole mine ,as you stole mine.
Yeah .

*CHORUS*

So please ,give me your hands
So please just take my hand.

Endless List of Quotes

Soo, recently iv'e started writing down all of the interesting stuff that people have been saying to me . i know i quote the same people multiple times. so take it as a compliment if i frequently write down what you say. so for the quote blog. some of it is very wise and insightful , other parts of it are crazy jokes and funny expressions. I'm not going to specify who said what to me , because that just butts in on my friend's privacy. If you recognize something youv'e said and wish to be known for saying it , then i'll specify . :) I've also got a few quotes from
professors , and just really any one who says anything remotely of interest.

"I believe God brings together those who have alot in common."

"There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed."

"I like sight, but sometimes you don't need to see something to know how beautiful it really is . "

"God puts each person in your life for a reason. Some people teach you about yourself. Others need you to teach them."

"It's pretty great being savage like us."

"Does he give you a lollipop if your'e good??"

"I think that being closer to other people in a positive way makes us closer to Him.

"God exists within all of us , and he wants us to come together so that He can be more complete. Through us. If i'm making any sense."

"Once you have nothing , you can beat anything."

"Touch tongues with a witch , and you'll never smile again."

"...You can live a lifetime in a moment..."

"Don't ever doubt what the terminal can do." --Tom Bruce.

"We are just two raving lunatics trying to make it in this crazy world of ours.."
--Heather.

"He's more than a man , he's a shiny golden god."--Tenacious D.

"I'm not the type of person who gets drunk all the time ,
you know the whole CRUNK CRUNK skeet skeet...."--Gee

"IT brings people together!"--Rubie.

"IT is the SHIT!!"

"Death is not the enemy, how we treat each other is."--Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

"The world is a giant clock and it conspires to tell us what time it is."

"If music be the food of love , play on."

"Say it as you think , and speak it from your soul."

"I can tell he's a bad kisser . His mouth doesn't look fully functional."
--KayWheeze.

"A kiss is more than four lips coming together."

"friends are like a tree;there are seasonal friends, the leaves who will come and go, and are obviously not meant to be in your life forever. then there are the branches who will sway back and forth with the wind and will be there for you sometimes. then there are the roots, those who will stick with you forever and keep you grounded..."
--Alden.

"How Old is God?"

"momma always said 'life is like a box of chocolates...'"

"God is a mean kid sitting on an ant hill ! he'd rather
burn of my feelers and watch me SQUIRM!"--Bruce Almighty.

"run forrest ! run"

"if you gots the poison iv'e gots the remedy . the remedy is the experience , this is a dangerous liason..."--Jason Mraz.

"courage is the absence of fear."

"beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

"Action expresses priorities."

"Be the change that you want to see in the world."

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."

"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."

"Those that were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who
could not hear the music. " --Friedrich Nietzsche.

"If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere."
--Henry A. Kissinger.

a sea of strange

I still see the sparkle of your baby blues , in my mind's eye .
It still burns just as bright, just as vivid and just as radiant
as it burned in early June. Remembering you just as you were then
makes me feel as though you have died , perhaps because it's been so long since iv'e seen you . i love our conversations, our seemingly innocent games,
and blush worthy responses. I'm doing what i do best, observing , obsessing ,
and letting you consume my mind; all of my thoughts in thier entirety.
I sing the songs of our summers , stare longingly at my guitar ,
and find myself crying over pictures. I find myself trying to trust you.
iv'e begun opening up my innermost thoughts , my fears , my hopes , my desires, my dreams. I'm letting myself be vulnerable. I despise vulnerability ,
and in turn iv'e learned so much about you . i suppose that's why i love you so foolishly . make it worth my anger , frustration , tears , and effort?

"i wanted to stay , i wanted to play , i wanted to love you..."
#41 - Dave Matthews Band

no easy way to get over what i'm feeling.

so today has been one of the weirdest
days ever . it seems like for every positive ,
there was a negative.
and i just feel all out of sorts. so i'm going to
do some venting.

1. my favorite class , Music Appreciation ,was cancelled this morning.
2. i started working on my newest artistic endeavor,
the pirate ship. just my luck , one of the dogs burst through the door,
and came charging into my room ,only to destroy my progress. :(
3. i got to hang out with kayla louiseee (practically my sister)
but unfortunately i kept hitting my head on her mean machine
short person truck and feel like i have a concussion. haha.
4. I'm making plans to possibly get the heck outta here!
(started on them today.)
5. Resumed work on the sparrow , only to find that
even after a hiatus , it's still just as difficult to draw the wings
the way that i'm trying to . ( i will nail this!)
6. my cell phone decided that it was going to die on me.
it'll turn on , but it won't function. FML.
7. spring break might not happen the way it's supposed to .
Iv'e never heard of putting a limit on a debit card. I have the $ ,
so why the hell does it matter? It's interfering with my plane ticket.
8. nana banana is going to be here on friday!
9. I've been making blankets like a fiend , and i'm still behind.
still have to make mom's , her pillow, dad's pillow , and start on the rest of them.
10. the co-op blog is going great. i mean honestly , how many people can say that they get to write with one of thier BFF's? Although.. i'm having this major writer's
block & it sucks!!!!
11. i want to get a tattoo so badly , that's all iv'e dreamt about
for the last three weeks. i woke up sitting at my desk with a marker in
my hand and scribbles on my arm this morning.
12. I'm tired of being lonely .. so very tired that
i could just sleep until the summer , until i get to see KHM again.
13.It's depressing me that he hasn't emailed back , and every morning i check my inbox. only to find that there's nothing from him. KHM might as well be a ghost , because that's all it feels like i'm loving lately.
14. I bought new running shoes, and they make my feet look and
feel huge . like i needed help with finding another insecurity.
15. I'm such a genius , that i shoved plugs in my ears ,
that are much toooo big. my reason : they were really trippy looking
and i didn't want to wait to put them in when i was supposed to .
16. I despise my Invisalign braces with a firey passion.
My mouth is ALWAYS hurting. theyr'e just as bad as regular braces.
17. I'm tired of putting up with the fake bitches from highschool.
I'm trying to find a way to completely disconnect from them 100%.
18. I'm tired of people telling me to get over Isaac's death in July .
EXCUSE ME , if having an almost forgotten childhood friend die like
six days before my birthday (and way before his time),
has scarred my heart a little. PARDON , if I tend to grieve.
19. Jacob is my hero. That young man is a phenomenon.
He's one of my brother's friends, iv'e never even met him ,
but iv'e got a sense of respect for him . Last year , that boy almost
lost his life , due to senseless violence after school. He was
on his way home , walking with some friends , when a couple of guys
in thier late teens or early 20's thought that the group of young boys was out
looking to start trouble . Jacob was beaten , in the head , left on the ground to
bleed and die , all because someone's stupidity . Jacob made it
out of a coma , endured physical rehab , slowly learned to talk again, started highschool. the guy that almost killed him will be out on parole in a few years.
20. I have to deal with the DMV , yet again , on friday.
I HATE going there.
21. I WANT TO GO TO CAMP. SMMC , I miss thee!
Three more months. i just have to keep telling myself that.

Coming To Terms

So today , i had this irrational , overwhelming need to cry .

All because i was watching the movie "Babe".

For those of you who haven't seen it , or don't remember it ,

it's an endearing tell of an adorable porker

who is determined to have a purpose other

than being some one's supper .

In "Babe", there is a scene where the cute

little piggy has learned the purpose of most pigs ,

in today's society , and was disheartened , and bullied (clawed )

by the every day house cat brat . (Jealous attention whore , at that . )

The next 10 -15 minutes of the movie that follow , are those moments

where i wanted to bawl . Like a big ole baby.

The farmer ( aka , the boss), tries to nurse the pig back to health.

Babe wasn't too keen on the idea , until the farmer began to sing .

The song he sang , brought back memories , of a summer spent at

camp , of a time when things were so much more simple than

college midterms and majoring in psychology.

Farmer Hoggett's Song :

(roughly the lyrics )

"If I had words to make a day for you ,

I'd sing you a morning , golden and new.

I would make this day last for all time ,

give you a night deep in moonshine."

As he sang those words , the gates unlocked.

I sang along , with hot salty tears streaking down my face

in crazy tracks of mascara and eyeliner.

I found myself longing for those simpler times again ,

wishing I was still very much a child.

I felt an ache in my chest , because upon hearing those words ,

and repeating them , and bringing the tinkling melody

back from the depths of my memory , I began to grieve.

I found myself grieving the losses that we have been

struck with this year, remembering hearing on

the day before my birthday five days earlier , a

life had been stolen , at the point of a gun .

I remembered the sinking feeling I felt in

the pit of my stomach , when just a few days ago ,

I learned of the sudden death of a dear family friend.

For the first time in awhile , I allowed myself to grieve.

I know I still have a way to go , before I can finally

come to terms with everything that has happened ,

but youv'e got to start somewhere , right?