today

i watched a shit ton of football.
Saw my Packers win (clay matthews = crazy white boy).
Saw the Jets play a good game , and the Steelers cheat thier way to victory (yet again.)

I discovered some very stressful things. That make me want to kick a person's ass.

And , i swear to Buddha... if one more freaking person gets into a relationship,
i'm going to shoot something. i'd really like for the universe to
stop rubbing it in my face that nothing ever goes my way.

*end rant*

when it all seemed shitty anyways..

just when i thought things couldn't get any worse .
they did .
that maybe on my mom's brain surgery , is a definite .
she's got to have it .
i'm scared shitless for her.
i'm frustrated because i don't want to see my mom weak like that again.
i'm scared for me too.
i'm afraid of what all of this extra stress is going to do to me.

we'll have to wait until late march , early april
to find out .

falling apart

i'm falling apart.
piece by piece.
i look into the mirror ,
who i see isn't me.

just a shell of who i was.
the heart of me in smithereens .
apart , piece by piece.

btw: this genius probably just got herself kicked out of college.

mental instability .

i knew it.
i could feel it in my bones.
i'm becoming unstable .
well, more unstable.

i'm prone to certain instabilities.
i'm an epileptic .
my mind goes into overdrive.
partial to issues with anxiety .

been there , done that.
more anxiety attacks this year.
more in my two years at city than in my 4 at eghs.

my mind is still in overdrive.
i lost a good friend, he died much too young.
incapable of coping and letting go.
partial to issues with depression.

it's setting in .
following me , stalking me , wanting to take over.
crushing my dreams and aspirations.
replacing them with hopelessness.

happiness is often short lived.
feelings of despair , tension.
apathy . lack of interest .
it'll go away , won't it ?

damaged goods.

i am damaged goods.
yep .
that's me .
i spend most days with that thought in the back of my mind.

iv'e got myself convinced i'll never be good enough.
that no one is going to want me.

iv'e got myself so well trained.
when someone does want me ,
i do everything in my power to make them forget me.

i am damaged goods.
emotionally because of my abuser.
physically because of my epilepsy.

no one wants damaged goods...not when they can have something better.