a sea of strange

I still see the sparkle of your baby blues , in my mind's eye .
It still burns just as bright, just as vivid and just as radiant
as it burned in early June. Remembering you just as you were then
makes me feel as though you have died , perhaps because it's been so long since iv'e seen you . i love our conversations, our seemingly innocent games,
and blush worthy responses. I'm doing what i do best, observing , obsessing ,
and letting you consume my mind; all of my thoughts in thier entirety.
I sing the songs of our summers , stare longingly at my guitar ,
and find myself crying over pictures. I find myself trying to trust you.
iv'e begun opening up my innermost thoughts , my fears , my hopes , my desires, my dreams. I'm letting myself be vulnerable. I despise vulnerability ,
and in turn iv'e learned so much about you . i suppose that's why i love you so foolishly . make it worth my anger , frustration , tears , and effort?

"i wanted to stay , i wanted to play , i wanted to love you..."
#41 - Dave Matthews Band

no easy way to get over what i'm feeling.

so today has been one of the weirdest
days ever . it seems like for every positive ,
there was a negative.
and i just feel all out of sorts. so i'm going to
do some venting.

1. my favorite class , Music Appreciation ,was cancelled this morning.
2. i started working on my newest artistic endeavor,
the pirate ship. just my luck , one of the dogs burst through the door,
and came charging into my room ,only to destroy my progress. :(
3. i got to hang out with kayla louiseee (practically my sister)
but unfortunately i kept hitting my head on her mean machine
short person truck and feel like i have a concussion. haha.
4. I'm making plans to possibly get the heck outta here!
(started on them today.)
5. Resumed work on the sparrow , only to find that
even after a hiatus , it's still just as difficult to draw the wings
the way that i'm trying to . ( i will nail this!)
6. my cell phone decided that it was going to die on me.
it'll turn on , but it won't function. FML.
7. spring break might not happen the way it's supposed to .
Iv'e never heard of putting a limit on a debit card. I have the $ ,
so why the hell does it matter? It's interfering with my plane ticket.
8. nana banana is going to be here on friday!
9. I've been making blankets like a fiend , and i'm still behind.
still have to make mom's , her pillow, dad's pillow , and start on the rest of them.
10. the co-op blog is going great. i mean honestly , how many people can say that they get to write with one of thier BFF's? Although.. i'm having this major writer's
block & it sucks!!!!
11. i want to get a tattoo so badly , that's all iv'e dreamt about
for the last three weeks. i woke up sitting at my desk with a marker in
my hand and scribbles on my arm this morning.
12. I'm tired of being lonely .. so very tired that
i could just sleep until the summer , until i get to see KHM again.
13.It's depressing me that he hasn't emailed back , and every morning i check my inbox. only to find that there's nothing from him. KHM might as well be a ghost , because that's all it feels like i'm loving lately.
14. I bought new running shoes, and they make my feet look and
feel huge . like i needed help with finding another insecurity.
15. I'm such a genius , that i shoved plugs in my ears ,
that are much toooo big. my reason : they were really trippy looking
and i didn't want to wait to put them in when i was supposed to .
16. I despise my Invisalign braces with a firey passion.
My mouth is ALWAYS hurting. theyr'e just as bad as regular braces.
17. I'm tired of putting up with the fake bitches from highschool.
I'm trying to find a way to completely disconnect from them 100%.
18. I'm tired of people telling me to get over Isaac's death in July .
EXCUSE ME , if having an almost forgotten childhood friend die like
six days before my birthday (and way before his time),
has scarred my heart a little. PARDON , if I tend to grieve.
19. Jacob is my hero. That young man is a phenomenon.
He's one of my brother's friends, iv'e never even met him ,
but iv'e got a sense of respect for him . Last year , that boy almost
lost his life , due to senseless violence after school. He was
on his way home , walking with some friends , when a couple of guys
in thier late teens or early 20's thought that the group of young boys was out
looking to start trouble . Jacob was beaten , in the head , left on the ground to
bleed and die , all because someone's stupidity . Jacob made it
out of a coma , endured physical rehab , slowly learned to talk again, started highschool. the guy that almost killed him will be out on parole in a few years.
20. I have to deal with the DMV , yet again , on friday.
I HATE going there.
21. I WANT TO GO TO CAMP. SMMC , I miss thee!
Three more months. i just have to keep telling myself that.

Coming To Terms

So today , i had this irrational , overwhelming need to cry .

All because i was watching the movie "Babe".

For those of you who haven't seen it , or don't remember it ,

it's an endearing tell of an adorable porker

who is determined to have a purpose other

than being some one's supper .

In "Babe", there is a scene where the cute

little piggy has learned the purpose of most pigs ,

in today's society , and was disheartened , and bullied (clawed )

by the every day house cat brat . (Jealous attention whore , at that . )

The next 10 -15 minutes of the movie that follow , are those moments

where i wanted to bawl . Like a big ole baby.

The farmer ( aka , the boss), tries to nurse the pig back to health.

Babe wasn't too keen on the idea , until the farmer began to sing .

The song he sang , brought back memories , of a summer spent at

camp , of a time when things were so much more simple than

college midterms and majoring in psychology.

Farmer Hoggett's Song :

(roughly the lyrics )

"If I had words to make a day for you ,

I'd sing you a morning , golden and new.

I would make this day last for all time ,

give you a night deep in moonshine."

As he sang those words , the gates unlocked.

I sang along , with hot salty tears streaking down my face

in crazy tracks of mascara and eyeliner.

I found myself longing for those simpler times again ,

wishing I was still very much a child.

I felt an ache in my chest , because upon hearing those words ,

and repeating them , and bringing the tinkling melody

back from the depths of my memory , I began to grieve.

I found myself grieving the losses that we have been

struck with this year, remembering hearing on

the day before my birthday five days earlier , a

life had been stolen , at the point of a gun .

I remembered the sinking feeling I felt in

the pit of my stomach , when just a few days ago ,

I learned of the sudden death of a dear family friend.

For the first time in awhile , I allowed myself to grieve.

I know I still have a way to go , before I can finally

come to terms with everything that has happened ,

but youv'e got to start somewhere , right?