This Morning

i talked to my mother , told her about the dream journal iv'e started keeping.
i still have not been able to get that one specific dream out of my mind ,
so i decided to tell her about it. Half way through , i got choked up
and lost my words . Losing everything that i was trying to say in an endless stream of tears. That dream still breaks my heart.

I had this dream early in the morning on December 29th..

I dreamed of Nick tonight .
He hadn't died. He was very much alive ,
we were all just misinformed. I'd discovered he was still alive
the day i'd gone to begin discussing getting a tattoo in his memory.
I managed to get back in contact with Nick, glad that i could talk to him.
Glad that no one was mourning his loss. I felt blessed that i got to
talk to him more , and one day i called him to talk about the tattoo
he'd originally agreed to design for me. We were both energized
about the tattoo , seeing as i have a passion for the inks.

In the middle of the conversation things took a drastic change.
His voice cut out and i heard the screeching of brakes on a vehicle.

I then found myself in the middle of the women's locker room at Pipe Works Gym.
I took a break from the post yoga sauna and looked at my phone .
I had missed calls , voice mails, text messages.
They all told me something similar.
Then the phone calls . Mom and Kayla .
Kayla confirmed what i already felt.
I called mom and fell to my knees crying in the locker room floor.
Numbly mumbling that Nick had died. The Nick i knew.
Brooklyn's brother, the one who i'd gone to school with since 8th grade.

The following days seemed to mesh .
The vigil; with jasmine , trina , bryar , dylan, and kayla.
All of them breaking my heart a little more.
The funeral; seeing your girls so so strong.
Seeing my own father shed tears for a young man that he'd
seen at a distance only a handful of times.

The balloons being released. The car alarms going off and seeing the turkey.
Nick's coffin being lowered six feet under.
I stayed for it all . I told jasmine i loved her ,
and that i'd always be here for her.
Hugging Brooklyn and telling her it was an honor to know her brother.

I relived all of that .
I woke up , tears streaming down my face.
I woke up , remembering that he really is gone.

I had to relive all of that.

yet again

another day goes by ,
i'm still depressed. i want so badly to be happy.
i want to be needed, to close the gaping hole in my heart.
i am still anxious, panic attacks around every corner.
I am still sleep deprived, missing the days of endless slumber.

another day goes by ,
i find that it is yet another day.
yet another day i have lived .
another day i have lost.
it is another day where i have seen and discovered.
i am still incapable of expressing grief.

this just isn't my year

i'm ready to be done with every thing i HAVE to do.
i want to quit college .
all of my attempts are inevitably futile.
forget the damn Ph.D !
forget the finals i have to take next week!

i want to call it quits.
nothing means anything any more .

i wish life had an inbox,
so i could mail in my two weeks notice.

not going to kill myself.
just killing my dreams ,
because i don't even know what i want anymore.

and if i don't know , then i'm surely a lost cause.
part of me wishes to be a selfish child , holed up in my room.
focusing on what makes me happy , neglecting all responsibilities ,
doing everything and anything i want...just so i don't have to stress about all of the ways iv'e potentially screwed my life up , or all of the ways i could screw it up in the future.