my heaven is a half pipe.

My heaven is a half pipe .
I wanna tear it up .
Boarding . All day , err day .
Kick , push , maybe a flip.
Perfect balance , even distribution.
Gotta have it , if you don't wanna eat shit.

I watch every one , other skaters like me; having their fun.
You are living your lives , but i can feel your'e always missing me.
I'm still skating it up, I'm doing just fine.
Kick, push , maybe a flip.
Going strong , perfect balance.

My days and nights mesh .
Skate sesh everlasting; endless.
It's wonderful , iv'e still got my groove.
I think about you guys , I miss you too.
Kick , push , maybe a flip.
Air and hair .
No lies , just love.

the abyss.

where were you ?
i needed you today.
i miss you .
my heart hurts .

my thoughts never stop racing.
i'm still having nightmares.
i'm fighting urges to slip into my old habits.
even music can make me cry .
i'm starting to hate the things i love.

music .. art.. the things i held close to me.
they lack meaning.
or they hold too much .
i push myself too hard.
i give my all , and it's not enough .
kick boxing .. i attack it.
i don't recognize all of this stubborn ferocity .

so much is going on .
i can't process these things.
i'm scared. i'm angry .
you would help me get through it .
you always tried , always cared when you saw me cry .

your'e gone.
you can't come back .
i hate death .
it's too permanent.
it's the only thing in this life that's guaranteed.

why can't you come back ?

i'm sitting here sobbing in a towel toga...

exactly six months ago , a good friend of mine fought for his life.
a pick up truck struck him while he was skate boarding home from work.

six months ago , on August 14th 2010, he died.

people say God called him home .
that it was his time to go .
sometimes i get really frustrated .
why couldn't he have been one of the ones that died and came back ,
like on that show ? you know ?
why not nick ?

he was such a wonderful person.
he had such a great capacity to love ...
he taught his friends what it meant to love , and to respect.
he'd better be somewhere that's damn wonderful .
because that's what he deserves.

maybe we can be considered selfish for wanting him here .
but right now , we are wanting him back .
we weren't ready to let him go .
i hate seeing my friends put on their strong face and try to make it through yet another day with out him .
i hate knowing that there is a sister with out her brother, a mother & father with out their son.

they say that with time , things will heal .
they say that with time , this will get easier .
can you tell me , will it ?
can i see a boy on a skate board & not burst into tears?
will a simple song still be able to ruin my day?

nickety bee , we miss you .
love & big bear hug.

today

i watched a shit ton of football.
Saw my Packers win (clay matthews = crazy white boy).
Saw the Jets play a good game , and the Steelers cheat thier way to victory (yet again.)

I discovered some very stressful things. That make me want to kick a person's ass.

And , i swear to Buddha... if one more freaking person gets into a relationship,
i'm going to shoot something. i'd really like for the universe to
stop rubbing it in my face that nothing ever goes my way.

*end rant*

when it all seemed shitty anyways..

just when i thought things couldn't get any worse .
they did .
that maybe on my mom's brain surgery , is a definite .
she's got to have it .
i'm scared shitless for her.
i'm frustrated because i don't want to see my mom weak like that again.
i'm scared for me too.
i'm afraid of what all of this extra stress is going to do to me.

we'll have to wait until late march , early april
to find out .

falling apart

i'm falling apart.
piece by piece.
i look into the mirror ,
who i see isn't me.

just a shell of who i was.
the heart of me in smithereens .
apart , piece by piece.

btw: this genius probably just got herself kicked out of college.

mental instability .

i knew it.
i could feel it in my bones.
i'm becoming unstable .
well, more unstable.

i'm prone to certain instabilities.
i'm an epileptic .
my mind goes into overdrive.
partial to issues with anxiety .

been there , done that.
more anxiety attacks this year.
more in my two years at city than in my 4 at eghs.

my mind is still in overdrive.
i lost a good friend, he died much too young.
incapable of coping and letting go.
partial to issues with depression.

it's setting in .
following me , stalking me , wanting to take over.
crushing my dreams and aspirations.
replacing them with hopelessness.

happiness is often short lived.
feelings of despair , tension.
apathy . lack of interest .
it'll go away , won't it ?