i will forever hate ,

friday the thirteenth. regardless of which month it is , i will hate it .
friday the thirteenth stole away the most amazing young man iv'e ever met.
it wast the last day that he spent alive . the last day that he spent , fighting to stay that way , and losing.

i hate it . i hate how my stupid ass was watching a river cats game .
totally unaware of what was going on . not knowing that somewhere in a hospital,
someone i cared about was dying .
unaware that i'd never be able to talk to him again .
unaware of how many hearts were breaking that night .


fuck you , friday the thirteenth.

the abyss.

where were you ?
i needed you today.
i miss you .
my heart hurts .

my thoughts never stop racing.
i'm still having nightmares.
i'm fighting urges to slip into my old habits.
even music can make me cry .
i'm starting to hate the things i love.

music .. art.. the things i held close to me.
they lack meaning.
or they hold too much .
i push myself too hard.
i give my all , and it's not enough .
kick boxing .. i attack it.
i don't recognize all of this stubborn ferocity .

so much is going on .
i can't process these things.
i'm scared. i'm angry .
you would help me get through it .
you always tried , always cared when you saw me cry .

your'e gone.
you can't come back .
i hate death .
it's too permanent.
it's the only thing in this life that's guaranteed.

why can't you come back ?

i'm sitting here sobbing in a towel toga...

exactly six months ago , a good friend of mine fought for his life.
a pick up truck struck him while he was skate boarding home from work.

six months ago , on August 14th 2010, he died.

people say God called him home .
that it was his time to go .
sometimes i get really frustrated .
why couldn't he have been one of the ones that died and came back ,
like on that show ? you know ?
why not nick ?

he was such a wonderful person.
he had such a great capacity to love ...
he taught his friends what it meant to love , and to respect.
he'd better be somewhere that's damn wonderful .
because that's what he deserves.

maybe we can be considered selfish for wanting him here .
but right now , we are wanting him back .
we weren't ready to let him go .
i hate seeing my friends put on their strong face and try to make it through yet another day with out him .
i hate knowing that there is a sister with out her brother, a mother & father with out their son.

they say that with time , things will heal .
they say that with time , this will get easier .
can you tell me , will it ?
can i see a boy on a skate board & not burst into tears?
will a simple song still be able to ruin my day?

nickety bee , we miss you .
love & big bear hug.

when it all seemed shitty anyways..

just when i thought things couldn't get any worse .
they did .
that maybe on my mom's brain surgery , is a definite .
she's got to have it .
i'm scared shitless for her.
i'm frustrated because i don't want to see my mom weak like that again.
i'm scared for me too.
i'm afraid of what all of this extra stress is going to do to me.

we'll have to wait until late march , early april
to find out .

damaged goods.

i am damaged goods.
yep .
that's me .
i spend most days with that thought in the back of my mind.

iv'e got myself convinced i'll never be good enough.
that no one is going to want me.

iv'e got myself so well trained.
when someone does want me ,
i do everything in my power to make them forget me.

i am damaged goods.
emotionally because of my abuser.
physically because of my epilepsy.

no one wants damaged goods...not when they can have something better.