yet again

another day goes by ,
i'm still depressed. i want so badly to be happy.
i want to be needed, to close the gaping hole in my heart.
i am still anxious, panic attacks around every corner.
I am still sleep deprived, missing the days of endless slumber.

another day goes by ,
i find that it is yet another day.
yet another day i have lived .
another day i have lost.
it is another day where i have seen and discovered.
i am still incapable of expressing grief.

all is fair in love & war ...

bullshit.
nothing is fair about love .

it isn't fair that great people have to suffer
for the sheer stupidity of a select few .
it isn't fair that iv'e got to wait even longer to see my best friend.
i was supposed to see him this month. but now . i'm of course , in a double bind.
my grand parents will be here next week . i'll get to spend a week & a half with them , and then I leave for camp for a week .
theyr'e only staying for a month .
and it fucking sucks that i have to WAIT even more to see HIM!
there for , NOTHING , in my opinion ; is fair in love .
love is war.
it's not a war you wage with someone else over fallen territories and results in bloodshed & lives lost .
it is a war with yourself . you fighting to keep your sanity
just so you can have even a few moments with the person that means the most.

i now really do understand what john mayer was talking about in heart break warfare.

it's been exactly one year.

one year since i was last in a highschool classroom .
one year since i walked the stage at arco arena and got a diploma.
one year since the bbq , and being surrounded by extended family.

it's been a freaking year , and what do i have to show for it ?
a few stupid units at a damn community college .
even more uncertainty about the rest of my life.

an even deeper hole in my heart.
a realization that on june second , it's been precisely a year since the last time
i saw the boy who means the world to me.

A FUCKING YEAR!?!
it feels like he's been gone for an eternity !

i hate this feeling .
i honestly wonder if all of this bullshit is even worth it!

6 months ( Hey Monday )

this song is speaking to my heart tonight.
it's making it ache in every way imaginable.
i hate this damn godforsaken feeling .
i'm tired of the effect of this boy has on me.
i just want to call it quits.
i want to give up .
i'm not good enough for him , and i know it .
i never will be . it's killing me inside to realize this.

but this is a song , that describes my EVERYTHING
with words that i can't seem to find on my own .
this song makes me cry . and hate him , and myself .
i'm a coward . no wonder i'm hateful and bitchy .
i spend most of my time being so damn mad at myself
for not having the nerve to just do something about
probably the best thing in my life .
the guy that wandered in on a December after noon ,
the middle of seventh grade. the one who left me fumbling
for things to say , and made me feel like an idiot
for making eye contact with him .
the one that took me three years of friendship
just to get the nerve to give him a hug!

i am so beyond helpless when it comes to him .
why is it me that has to figure everything out ?
why can't he take initiative?
WHY?


6 Months , by Hey Monday.

*VERSE* :You're the direction I follow ,to get home.
When I feel like I can't go on ,you tell me to go.
And it's like I can't feel a thing ,without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees,
Cuz you have that effect on me ,You do.

*CHORUS* : Everything you say, every time we kiss, I can't think straight.
But I'm okay. And I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss,
As much as I hate missing you.

*VERSE* :Months going strong now ,and no goodbye.
Unconditional, unoriginal, always by my side.
Meant to be together ,meant for no one but each other.
You love me ,I love you harder so..

*CHORUS *

*VERSE* : So please, give me your hands.
So please, give me a lesson on how to steal.
Steal a heart as fast as you stole mine ,as you stole mine.
Yeah .

*CHORUS*

So please ,give me your hands
So please just take my hand.

a sea of strange

I still see the sparkle of your baby blues , in my mind's eye .
It still burns just as bright, just as vivid and just as radiant
as it burned in early June. Remembering you just as you were then
makes me feel as though you have died , perhaps because it's been so long since iv'e seen you . i love our conversations, our seemingly innocent games,
and blush worthy responses. I'm doing what i do best, observing , obsessing ,
and letting you consume my mind; all of my thoughts in thier entirety.
I sing the songs of our summers , stare longingly at my guitar ,
and find myself crying over pictures. I find myself trying to trust you.
iv'e begun opening up my innermost thoughts , my fears , my hopes , my desires, my dreams. I'm letting myself be vulnerable. I despise vulnerability ,
and in turn iv'e learned so much about you . i suppose that's why i love you so foolishly . make it worth my anger , frustration , tears , and effort?

"i wanted to stay , i wanted to play , i wanted to love you..."
#41 - Dave Matthews Band