i'm sitting here sobbing in a towel toga...

exactly six months ago , a good friend of mine fought for his life.
a pick up truck struck him while he was skate boarding home from work.

six months ago , on August 14th 2010, he died.

people say God called him home .
that it was his time to go .
sometimes i get really frustrated .
why couldn't he have been one of the ones that died and came back ,
like on that show ? you know ?
why not nick ?

he was such a wonderful person.
he had such a great capacity to love ...
he taught his friends what it meant to love , and to respect.
he'd better be somewhere that's damn wonderful .
because that's what he deserves.

maybe we can be considered selfish for wanting him here .
but right now , we are wanting him back .
we weren't ready to let him go .
i hate seeing my friends put on their strong face and try to make it through yet another day with out him .
i hate knowing that there is a sister with out her brother, a mother & father with out their son.

they say that with time , things will heal .
they say that with time , this will get easier .
can you tell me , will it ?
can i see a boy on a skate board & not burst into tears?
will a simple song still be able to ruin my day?

nickety bee , we miss you .
love & big bear hug.

today

i watched a shit ton of football.
Saw my Packers win (clay matthews = crazy white boy).
Saw the Jets play a good game , and the Steelers cheat thier way to victory (yet again.)

I discovered some very stressful things. That make me want to kick a person's ass.

And , i swear to Buddha... if one more freaking person gets into a relationship,
i'm going to shoot something. i'd really like for the universe to
stop rubbing it in my face that nothing ever goes my way.

*end rant*

when it all seemed shitty anyways..

just when i thought things couldn't get any worse .
they did .
that maybe on my mom's brain surgery , is a definite .
she's got to have it .
i'm scared shitless for her.
i'm frustrated because i don't want to see my mom weak like that again.
i'm scared for me too.
i'm afraid of what all of this extra stress is going to do to me.

we'll have to wait until late march , early april
to find out .

falling apart

i'm falling apart.
piece by piece.
i look into the mirror ,
who i see isn't me.

just a shell of who i was.
the heart of me in smithereens .
apart , piece by piece.

btw: this genius probably just got herself kicked out of college.

mental instability .

i knew it.
i could feel it in my bones.
i'm becoming unstable .
well, more unstable.

i'm prone to certain instabilities.
i'm an epileptic .
my mind goes into overdrive.
partial to issues with anxiety .

been there , done that.
more anxiety attacks this year.
more in my two years at city than in my 4 at eghs.

my mind is still in overdrive.
i lost a good friend, he died much too young.
incapable of coping and letting go.
partial to issues with depression.

it's setting in .
following me , stalking me , wanting to take over.
crushing my dreams and aspirations.
replacing them with hopelessness.

happiness is often short lived.
feelings of despair , tension.
apathy . lack of interest .
it'll go away , won't it ?

damaged goods.

i am damaged goods.
yep .
that's me .
i spend most days with that thought in the back of my mind.

iv'e got myself convinced i'll never be good enough.
that no one is going to want me.

iv'e got myself so well trained.
when someone does want me ,
i do everything in my power to make them forget me.

i am damaged goods.
emotionally because of my abuser.
physically because of my epilepsy.

no one wants damaged goods...not when they can have something better.

This Morning

i talked to my mother , told her about the dream journal iv'e started keeping.
i still have not been able to get that one specific dream out of my mind ,
so i decided to tell her about it. Half way through , i got choked up
and lost my words . Losing everything that i was trying to say in an endless stream of tears. That dream still breaks my heart.

I had this dream early in the morning on December 29th..

I dreamed of Nick tonight .
He hadn't died. He was very much alive ,
we were all just misinformed. I'd discovered he was still alive
the day i'd gone to begin discussing getting a tattoo in his memory.
I managed to get back in contact with Nick, glad that i could talk to him.
Glad that no one was mourning his loss. I felt blessed that i got to
talk to him more , and one day i called him to talk about the tattoo
he'd originally agreed to design for me. We were both energized
about the tattoo , seeing as i have a passion for the inks.

In the middle of the conversation things took a drastic change.
His voice cut out and i heard the screeching of brakes on a vehicle.

I then found myself in the middle of the women's locker room at Pipe Works Gym.
I took a break from the post yoga sauna and looked at my phone .
I had missed calls , voice mails, text messages.
They all told me something similar.
Then the phone calls . Mom and Kayla .
Kayla confirmed what i already felt.
I called mom and fell to my knees crying in the locker room floor.
Numbly mumbling that Nick had died. The Nick i knew.
Brooklyn's brother, the one who i'd gone to school with since 8th grade.

The following days seemed to mesh .
The vigil; with jasmine , trina , bryar , dylan, and kayla.
All of them breaking my heart a little more.
The funeral; seeing your girls so so strong.
Seeing my own father shed tears for a young man that he'd
seen at a distance only a handful of times.

The balloons being released. The car alarms going off and seeing the turkey.
Nick's coffin being lowered six feet under.
I stayed for it all . I told jasmine i loved her ,
and that i'd always be here for her.
Hugging Brooklyn and telling her it was an honor to know her brother.

I relived all of that .
I woke up , tears streaming down my face.
I woke up , remembering that he really is gone.

I had to relive all of that.