falling apart

i'm falling apart.
piece by piece.
i look into the mirror ,
who i see isn't me.

just a shell of who i was.
the heart of me in smithereens .
apart , piece by piece.

btw: this genius probably just got herself kicked out of college.

mental instability .

i knew it.
i could feel it in my bones.
i'm becoming unstable .
well, more unstable.

i'm prone to certain instabilities.
i'm an epileptic .
my mind goes into overdrive.
partial to issues with anxiety .

been there , done that.
more anxiety attacks this year.
more in my two years at city than in my 4 at eghs.

my mind is still in overdrive.
i lost a good friend, he died much too young.
incapable of coping and letting go.
partial to issues with depression.

it's setting in .
following me , stalking me , wanting to take over.
crushing my dreams and aspirations.
replacing them with hopelessness.

happiness is often short lived.
feelings of despair , tension.
apathy . lack of interest .
it'll go away , won't it ?

damaged goods.

i am damaged goods.
yep .
that's me .
i spend most days with that thought in the back of my mind.

iv'e got myself convinced i'll never be good enough.
that no one is going to want me.

iv'e got myself so well trained.
when someone does want me ,
i do everything in my power to make them forget me.

i am damaged goods.
emotionally because of my abuser.
physically because of my epilepsy.

no one wants damaged goods...not when they can have something better.

This Morning

i talked to my mother , told her about the dream journal iv'e started keeping.
i still have not been able to get that one specific dream out of my mind ,
so i decided to tell her about it. Half way through , i got choked up
and lost my words . Losing everything that i was trying to say in an endless stream of tears. That dream still breaks my heart.

I had this dream early in the morning on December 29th..

I dreamed of Nick tonight .
He hadn't died. He was very much alive ,
we were all just misinformed. I'd discovered he was still alive
the day i'd gone to begin discussing getting a tattoo in his memory.
I managed to get back in contact with Nick, glad that i could talk to him.
Glad that no one was mourning his loss. I felt blessed that i got to
talk to him more , and one day i called him to talk about the tattoo
he'd originally agreed to design for me. We were both energized
about the tattoo , seeing as i have a passion for the inks.

In the middle of the conversation things took a drastic change.
His voice cut out and i heard the screeching of brakes on a vehicle.

I then found myself in the middle of the women's locker room at Pipe Works Gym.
I took a break from the post yoga sauna and looked at my phone .
I had missed calls , voice mails, text messages.
They all told me something similar.
Then the phone calls . Mom and Kayla .
Kayla confirmed what i already felt.
I called mom and fell to my knees crying in the locker room floor.
Numbly mumbling that Nick had died. The Nick i knew.
Brooklyn's brother, the one who i'd gone to school with since 8th grade.

The following days seemed to mesh .
The vigil; with jasmine , trina , bryar , dylan, and kayla.
All of them breaking my heart a little more.
The funeral; seeing your girls so so strong.
Seeing my own father shed tears for a young man that he'd
seen at a distance only a handful of times.

The balloons being released. The car alarms going off and seeing the turkey.
Nick's coffin being lowered six feet under.
I stayed for it all . I told jasmine i loved her ,
and that i'd always be here for her.
Hugging Brooklyn and telling her it was an honor to know her brother.

I relived all of that .
I woke up , tears streaming down my face.
I woke up , remembering that he really is gone.

I had to relive all of that.

yet again

another day goes by ,
i'm still depressed. i want so badly to be happy.
i want to be needed, to close the gaping hole in my heart.
i am still anxious, panic attacks around every corner.
I am still sleep deprived, missing the days of endless slumber.

another day goes by ,
i find that it is yet another day.
yet another day i have lived .
another day i have lost.
it is another day where i have seen and discovered.
i am still incapable of expressing grief.

this just isn't my year

i'm ready to be done with every thing i HAVE to do.
i want to quit college .
all of my attempts are inevitably futile.
forget the damn Ph.D !
forget the finals i have to take next week!

i want to call it quits.
nothing means anything any more .

i wish life had an inbox,
so i could mail in my two weeks notice.

not going to kill myself.
just killing my dreams ,
because i don't even know what i want anymore.

and if i don't know , then i'm surely a lost cause.
part of me wishes to be a selfish child , holed up in my room.
focusing on what makes me happy , neglecting all responsibilities ,
doing everything and anything i want...just so i don't have to stress about all of the ways iv'e potentially screwed my life up , or all of the ways i could screw it up in the future.

Nicholas Shane Brown

Rest in Paradise .
12/21/1990---08/14/2010

This is my letter to you . I wrote it out , printed out
this picture , and gave your letter to your family .
Brooklyn promised she'd try to read it to you for me,
if i can't make it to your funeral.


Nickety Bee

I can't stop thinking 'bout you buddy . you were this crazy wonderful spontaneous origonal & amazing force. now your'e gone . :(
everytime i see my class tee, i'm going to think of you. remember , me you & jas hanging out at senior bbq? Acting crazy and having insane water bottle fights with jasmine...("it's in my booty guys!!!").. we ran around yelling that like goobers, laughing at that crazy girl and our crazy jokes? Remember you being such a sweet heart? giving me big bear hugs and taking the time out of your day to ask me how mine was, just 'cause ? I'm always going to remember you nickety bee.
your zillion kilowatt smiles , beautiful eyes , big heart , and even bigger bear hugs. that's the Bee i'm always going to remember. I hope that you'll remember me, if i ever manage to make it to heaven. I'm certain that's where you are Nicky.
Jas' mommy is walking with you , and helping you watch over everyone. I'm sure she's keeping a close eye on you & taking care of you just like jas did. the world is weird with out you in it. It got alot colder the day you left. it's not as bright with out that fantastic smile of yours .
we miss you already Nick.
Love & a big bear hug to you.
Alexis Kay Shaffer (aka: lexis gurrrl!)