This Morning

i talked to my mother , told her about the dream journal iv'e started keeping.
i still have not been able to get that one specific dream out of my mind ,
so i decided to tell her about it. Half way through , i got choked up
and lost my words . Losing everything that i was trying to say in an endless stream of tears. That dream still breaks my heart.

I had this dream early in the morning on December 29th..

I dreamed of Nick tonight .
He hadn't died. He was very much alive ,
we were all just misinformed. I'd discovered he was still alive
the day i'd gone to begin discussing getting a tattoo in his memory.
I managed to get back in contact with Nick, glad that i could talk to him.
Glad that no one was mourning his loss. I felt blessed that i got to
talk to him more , and one day i called him to talk about the tattoo
he'd originally agreed to design for me. We were both energized
about the tattoo , seeing as i have a passion for the inks.

In the middle of the conversation things took a drastic change.
His voice cut out and i heard the screeching of brakes on a vehicle.

I then found myself in the middle of the women's locker room at Pipe Works Gym.
I took a break from the post yoga sauna and looked at my phone .
I had missed calls , voice mails, text messages.
They all told me something similar.
Then the phone calls . Mom and Kayla .
Kayla confirmed what i already felt.
I called mom and fell to my knees crying in the locker room floor.
Numbly mumbling that Nick had died. The Nick i knew.
Brooklyn's brother, the one who i'd gone to school with since 8th grade.

The following days seemed to mesh .
The vigil; with jasmine , trina , bryar , dylan, and kayla.
All of them breaking my heart a little more.
The funeral; seeing your girls so so strong.
Seeing my own father shed tears for a young man that he'd
seen at a distance only a handful of times.

The balloons being released. The car alarms going off and seeing the turkey.
Nick's coffin being lowered six feet under.
I stayed for it all . I told jasmine i loved her ,
and that i'd always be here for her.
Hugging Brooklyn and telling her it was an honor to know her brother.

I relived all of that .
I woke up , tears streaming down my face.
I woke up , remembering that he really is gone.

I had to relive all of that.

yet again

another day goes by ,
i'm still depressed. i want so badly to be happy.
i want to be needed, to close the gaping hole in my heart.
i am still anxious, panic attacks around every corner.
I am still sleep deprived, missing the days of endless slumber.

another day goes by ,
i find that it is yet another day.
yet another day i have lived .
another day i have lost.
it is another day where i have seen and discovered.
i am still incapable of expressing grief.

this just isn't my year

i'm ready to be done with every thing i HAVE to do.
i want to quit college .
all of my attempts are inevitably futile.
forget the damn Ph.D !
forget the finals i have to take next week!

i want to call it quits.
nothing means anything any more .

i wish life had an inbox,
so i could mail in my two weeks notice.

not going to kill myself.
just killing my dreams ,
because i don't even know what i want anymore.

and if i don't know , then i'm surely a lost cause.
part of me wishes to be a selfish child , holed up in my room.
focusing on what makes me happy , neglecting all responsibilities ,
doing everything and anything i want...just so i don't have to stress about all of the ways iv'e potentially screwed my life up , or all of the ways i could screw it up in the future.

Nicholas Shane Brown

Rest in Paradise .
12/21/1990---08/14/2010

This is my letter to you . I wrote it out , printed out
this picture , and gave your letter to your family .
Brooklyn promised she'd try to read it to you for me,
if i can't make it to your funeral.


Nickety Bee

I can't stop thinking 'bout you buddy . you were this crazy wonderful spontaneous origonal & amazing force. now your'e gone . :(
everytime i see my class tee, i'm going to think of you. remember , me you & jas hanging out at senior bbq? Acting crazy and having insane water bottle fights with jasmine...("it's in my booty guys!!!").. we ran around yelling that like goobers, laughing at that crazy girl and our crazy jokes? Remember you being such a sweet heart? giving me big bear hugs and taking the time out of your day to ask me how mine was, just 'cause ? I'm always going to remember you nickety bee.
your zillion kilowatt smiles , beautiful eyes , big heart , and even bigger bear hugs. that's the Bee i'm always going to remember. I hope that you'll remember me, if i ever manage to make it to heaven. I'm certain that's where you are Nicky.
Jas' mommy is walking with you , and helping you watch over everyone. I'm sure she's keeping a close eye on you & taking care of you just like jas did. the world is weird with out you in it. It got alot colder the day you left. it's not as bright with out that fantastic smile of yours .
we miss you already Nick.
Love & a big bear hug to you.
Alexis Kay Shaffer (aka: lexis gurrrl!)

the sweet things people say

well basically i'm posting this blog mainly
for myself ... well this entry in particular.
because it's things that people have told me , and they make me smile
and will surely brighten up my day if i'm having a bad one.

Angela :
Alexis! One of the upperclassmen I love! In choir, you were like a big sister to me and I absolutely adore you for helping me through that class. You are always so nice and sweet and funny and mad talented to boot. I love you! I miss hugging you though! You really are an amazing person and I feel so lucky to know you a...nd be friends with you. Anyone who knows you is lucky to have someone like you in there life. ♥♥♥

Stevie :
alexis i love how you are hella funny an amazing sweetheart and a huge dork you know how to make everyone smile and you are an awsome person ily stevie.

Brandon H. :
You don't take shit from anyone. That's what i like.

Heather:
I'm so glad and feel truly blessed that you decided to email me. I've come to think of you as a sister. I truly value our talks about our silly boys. I am glad that I can turn to you for anything without judgement. Someday, you are going to do great things!!

Savyy:
i like how your the coolest counsler ever!

Michelle:
I like your core inner strength... your ability to be calm in a storm, your perserverance in spite of everything, your talent with people, your kindness, your humor, our mutual love of music and your personal ability to be outstanding and awesome in a tough world.

Julie:
Thank you, dearie! I don't think you realize just how much that really meant to me...especially so close to camp when everything is beyond crazy.

Honored to know such a wonderful girl, well, young woman, such as yourself, too! ♥

Evan:
Alexis, I'll always be your little creeper. I know we don't talk as much but suffice to say I love it when we do and I love you for all your humor. You're a wonderful, wonderful woman and I want you to know that I care for you deeply. Please, take it easy. Everything will turn out wonderfully.
Love,
Evan

all is fair in love & war ...

bullshit.
nothing is fair about love .

it isn't fair that great people have to suffer
for the sheer stupidity of a select few .
it isn't fair that iv'e got to wait even longer to see my best friend.
i was supposed to see him this month. but now . i'm of course , in a double bind.
my grand parents will be here next week . i'll get to spend a week & a half with them , and then I leave for camp for a week .
theyr'e only staying for a month .
and it fucking sucks that i have to WAIT even more to see HIM!
there for , NOTHING , in my opinion ; is fair in love .
love is war.
it's not a war you wage with someone else over fallen territories and results in bloodshed & lives lost .
it is a war with yourself . you fighting to keep your sanity
just so you can have even a few moments with the person that means the most.

i now really do understand what john mayer was talking about in heart break warfare.

it's been exactly one year.

one year since i was last in a highschool classroom .
one year since i walked the stage at arco arena and got a diploma.
one year since the bbq , and being surrounded by extended family.

it's been a freaking year , and what do i have to show for it ?
a few stupid units at a damn community college .
even more uncertainty about the rest of my life.

an even deeper hole in my heart.
a realization that on june second , it's been precisely a year since the last time
i saw the boy who means the world to me.

A FUCKING YEAR!?!
it feels like he's been gone for an eternity !

i hate this feeling .
i honestly wonder if all of this bullshit is even worth it!