this just isn't my year

i'm ready to be done with every thing i HAVE to do.
i want to quit college .
all of my attempts are inevitably futile.
forget the damn Ph.D !
forget the finals i have to take next week!

i want to call it quits.
nothing means anything any more .

i wish life had an inbox,
so i could mail in my two weeks notice.

not going to kill myself.
just killing my dreams ,
because i don't even know what i want anymore.

and if i don't know , then i'm surely a lost cause.
part of me wishes to be a selfish child , holed up in my room.
focusing on what makes me happy , neglecting all responsibilities ,
doing everything and anything i want...just so i don't have to stress about all of the ways iv'e potentially screwed my life up , or all of the ways i could screw it up in the future.

Nicholas Shane Brown

Rest in Paradise .
12/21/1990---08/14/2010

This is my letter to you . I wrote it out , printed out
this picture , and gave your letter to your family .
Brooklyn promised she'd try to read it to you for me,
if i can't make it to your funeral.


Nickety Bee

I can't stop thinking 'bout you buddy . you were this crazy wonderful spontaneous origonal & amazing force. now your'e gone . :(
everytime i see my class tee, i'm going to think of you. remember , me you & jas hanging out at senior bbq? Acting crazy and having insane water bottle fights with jasmine...("it's in my booty guys!!!").. we ran around yelling that like goobers, laughing at that crazy girl and our crazy jokes? Remember you being such a sweet heart? giving me big bear hugs and taking the time out of your day to ask me how mine was, just 'cause ? I'm always going to remember you nickety bee.
your zillion kilowatt smiles , beautiful eyes , big heart , and even bigger bear hugs. that's the Bee i'm always going to remember. I hope that you'll remember me, if i ever manage to make it to heaven. I'm certain that's where you are Nicky.
Jas' mommy is walking with you , and helping you watch over everyone. I'm sure she's keeping a close eye on you & taking care of you just like jas did. the world is weird with out you in it. It got alot colder the day you left. it's not as bright with out that fantastic smile of yours .
we miss you already Nick.
Love & a big bear hug to you.
Alexis Kay Shaffer (aka: lexis gurrrl!)

the sweet things people say

well basically i'm posting this blog mainly
for myself ... well this entry in particular.
because it's things that people have told me , and they make me smile
and will surely brighten up my day if i'm having a bad one.

Angela :
Alexis! One of the upperclassmen I love! In choir, you were like a big sister to me and I absolutely adore you for helping me through that class. You are always so nice and sweet and funny and mad talented to boot. I love you! I miss hugging you though! You really are an amazing person and I feel so lucky to know you a...nd be friends with you. Anyone who knows you is lucky to have someone like you in there life. ♥♥♥

Stevie :
alexis i love how you are hella funny an amazing sweetheart and a huge dork you know how to make everyone smile and you are an awsome person ily stevie.

Brandon H. :
You don't take shit from anyone. That's what i like.

Heather:
I'm so glad and feel truly blessed that you decided to email me. I've come to think of you as a sister. I truly value our talks about our silly boys. I am glad that I can turn to you for anything without judgement. Someday, you are going to do great things!!

Savyy:
i like how your the coolest counsler ever!

Michelle:
I like your core inner strength... your ability to be calm in a storm, your perserverance in spite of everything, your talent with people, your kindness, your humor, our mutual love of music and your personal ability to be outstanding and awesome in a tough world.

Julie:
Thank you, dearie! I don't think you realize just how much that really meant to me...especially so close to camp when everything is beyond crazy.

Honored to know such a wonderful girl, well, young woman, such as yourself, too! ♥

Evan:
Alexis, I'll always be your little creeper. I know we don't talk as much but suffice to say I love it when we do and I love you for all your humor. You're a wonderful, wonderful woman and I want you to know that I care for you deeply. Please, take it easy. Everything will turn out wonderfully.
Love,
Evan

all is fair in love & war ...

bullshit.
nothing is fair about love .

it isn't fair that great people have to suffer
for the sheer stupidity of a select few .
it isn't fair that iv'e got to wait even longer to see my best friend.
i was supposed to see him this month. but now . i'm of course , in a double bind.
my grand parents will be here next week . i'll get to spend a week & a half with them , and then I leave for camp for a week .
theyr'e only staying for a month .
and it fucking sucks that i have to WAIT even more to see HIM!
there for , NOTHING , in my opinion ; is fair in love .
love is war.
it's not a war you wage with someone else over fallen territories and results in bloodshed & lives lost .
it is a war with yourself . you fighting to keep your sanity
just so you can have even a few moments with the person that means the most.

i now really do understand what john mayer was talking about in heart break warfare.

it's been exactly one year.

one year since i was last in a highschool classroom .
one year since i walked the stage at arco arena and got a diploma.
one year since the bbq , and being surrounded by extended family.

it's been a freaking year , and what do i have to show for it ?
a few stupid units at a damn community college .
even more uncertainty about the rest of my life.

an even deeper hole in my heart.
a realization that on june second , it's been precisely a year since the last time
i saw the boy who means the world to me.

A FUCKING YEAR!?!
it feels like he's been gone for an eternity !

i hate this feeling .
i honestly wonder if all of this bullshit is even worth it!

6 months ( Hey Monday )

this song is speaking to my heart tonight.
it's making it ache in every way imaginable.
i hate this damn godforsaken feeling .
i'm tired of the effect of this boy has on me.
i just want to call it quits.
i want to give up .
i'm not good enough for him , and i know it .
i never will be . it's killing me inside to realize this.

but this is a song , that describes my EVERYTHING
with words that i can't seem to find on my own .
this song makes me cry . and hate him , and myself .
i'm a coward . no wonder i'm hateful and bitchy .
i spend most of my time being so damn mad at myself
for not having the nerve to just do something about
probably the best thing in my life .
the guy that wandered in on a December after noon ,
the middle of seventh grade. the one who left me fumbling
for things to say , and made me feel like an idiot
for making eye contact with him .
the one that took me three years of friendship
just to get the nerve to give him a hug!

i am so beyond helpless when it comes to him .
why is it me that has to figure everything out ?
why can't he take initiative?
WHY?


6 Months , by Hey Monday.

*VERSE* :You're the direction I follow ,to get home.
When I feel like I can't go on ,you tell me to go.
And it's like I can't feel a thing ,without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees,
Cuz you have that effect on me ,You do.

*CHORUS* : Everything you say, every time we kiss, I can't think straight.
But I'm okay. And I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss,
As much as I hate missing you.

*VERSE* :Months going strong now ,and no goodbye.
Unconditional, unoriginal, always by my side.
Meant to be together ,meant for no one but each other.
You love me ,I love you harder so..

*CHORUS *

*VERSE* : So please, give me your hands.
So please, give me a lesson on how to steal.
Steal a heart as fast as you stole mine ,as you stole mine.
Yeah .

*CHORUS*

So please ,give me your hands
So please just take my hand.

Endless List of Quotes

Soo, recently iv'e started writing down all of the interesting stuff that people have been saying to me . i know i quote the same people multiple times. so take it as a compliment if i frequently write down what you say. so for the quote blog. some of it is very wise and insightful , other parts of it are crazy jokes and funny expressions. I'm not going to specify who said what to me , because that just butts in on my friend's privacy. If you recognize something youv'e said and wish to be known for saying it , then i'll specify . :) I've also got a few quotes from
professors , and just really any one who says anything remotely of interest.

"I believe God brings together those who have alot in common."

"There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed."

"I like sight, but sometimes you don't need to see something to know how beautiful it really is . "

"God puts each person in your life for a reason. Some people teach you about yourself. Others need you to teach them."

"It's pretty great being savage like us."

"Does he give you a lollipop if your'e good??"

"I think that being closer to other people in a positive way makes us closer to Him.

"God exists within all of us , and he wants us to come together so that He can be more complete. Through us. If i'm making any sense."

"Once you have nothing , you can beat anything."

"Touch tongues with a witch , and you'll never smile again."

"...You can live a lifetime in a moment..."

"Don't ever doubt what the terminal can do." --Tom Bruce.

"We are just two raving lunatics trying to make it in this crazy world of ours.."
--Heather.

"He's more than a man , he's a shiny golden god."--Tenacious D.

"I'm not the type of person who gets drunk all the time ,
you know the whole CRUNK CRUNK skeet skeet...."--Gee

"IT brings people together!"--Rubie.

"IT is the SHIT!!"

"Death is not the enemy, how we treat each other is."--Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

"The world is a giant clock and it conspires to tell us what time it is."

"If music be the food of love , play on."

"Say it as you think , and speak it from your soul."

"I can tell he's a bad kisser . His mouth doesn't look fully functional."
--KayWheeze.

"A kiss is more than four lips coming together."

"friends are like a tree;there are seasonal friends, the leaves who will come and go, and are obviously not meant to be in your life forever. then there are the branches who will sway back and forth with the wind and will be there for you sometimes. then there are the roots, those who will stick with you forever and keep you grounded..."
--Alden.

"How Old is God?"

"momma always said 'life is like a box of chocolates...'"

"God is a mean kid sitting on an ant hill ! he'd rather
burn of my feelers and watch me SQUIRM!"--Bruce Almighty.

"run forrest ! run"

"if you gots the poison iv'e gots the remedy . the remedy is the experience , this is a dangerous liason..."--Jason Mraz.

"courage is the absence of fear."

"beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

"Action expresses priorities."

"Be the change that you want to see in the world."

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."

"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."

"Those that were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who
could not hear the music. " --Friedrich Nietzsche.

"If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere."
--Henry A. Kissinger.