dreamland

*For the first time since August of last year , i didn't have nightmares.
Instead , i had one of the most amazing dreams. A dream i'd gladly have every night.
This dream came to me after i'd hit rock bottom. I fell so low , the lowest iv'e been since the day i found out and the days surrounding his funeral. I fell asleep praying, begging God to give me a sign that things would work out , that things would be okay, and most importantly that nick was at peace.*

I don't know if i can ever truly describe this dream. It was simply too beautiful and heart warming.

I don't know where i was exactly , or if i'd even been there before.
It was some kind of park, full of people. I could hear kids laughing, swings creaking, skateboards on sidewalks, and birds rustling in the trees.
It was warm there, but there were plenty of shade trees. The air smelled clean,
fresh , as if it had just rained not long ago.

I started to walk down a path that ran through the trees. I kept walking and walking,
quietly humming to myself. Off the path, i spotted a tree, massive with full heavy branches. A tree i would have happily climbed as a child.
I decided to climb it . Just for the hell of it.

I had barely touched my hand to a branch when i felt a tap on my shoulder.
I turned to see , nothing was there. I turned my attention back to the tree.
Again i felt a tap , This time on my other shoulder, and i heard a laugh.

The laugh i'd been missing, the one i wished i could hear again.
I turned around to face that person, tears streaming down my face.

Nick. My Nickety Bee.

He stood there laughing his amazing & irreplaceable laugh, smiling that beautiful sunshine smile. He looked just as i remembered him. Not a hair out of place , board in hand, and like a walking advertisement for a skateshop.

I threw my arms around him, and gave him the biggest bear hug i could manage.
"i miss you. So damn bad Nickety Bee."
He smiled & told me that he missed me , that he missed all of us.
He asked me how my mom is doing, and about my new tattoo.
He asked about his family , and i thought i saw him wipe away a tear as
he said "Thank You." still so polite.
He gave me crap for getting that nickname tattooed. "really lexisgurrrl, you WOULD. you so would get that damn nickname in a tattoo."

The smile never left his face. When he spoke,it remained in his eyes,just like Jim.
Nick walked with me , back down the path .
I was so damn happy just to get to see him again , that i could barely speak.

I felt it in my heart though. I knew he wouldn't be able to stay much longer.
I bear hugged him again , and said "Goodbye" to my Nickety Bee.
He shook his head, and told me " It's see you later silly. No goodbyes damnit!"

The sun started to set and he got on his board.
He waved to me , and skated off.
In the breeze i could still feel his presence.
I could still hear him laugh as i thanked him for visiting me.

*I woke up , with tear stains on my face & peace in my heart.
I know Nick is at peace. I know he's happy , and that things will be okay in one way or another. <3

i will forever hate ,

friday the thirteenth. regardless of which month it is , i will hate it .
friday the thirteenth stole away the most amazing young man iv'e ever met.
it wast the last day that he spent alive . the last day that he spent , fighting to stay that way , and losing.

i hate it . i hate how my stupid ass was watching a river cats game .
totally unaware of what was going on . not knowing that somewhere in a hospital,
someone i cared about was dying .
unaware that i'd never be able to talk to him again .
unaware of how many hearts were breaking that night .


fuck you , friday the thirteenth.

my heaven is a half pipe.

My heaven is a half pipe .
I wanna tear it up .
Boarding . All day , err day .
Kick , push , maybe a flip.
Perfect balance , even distribution.
Gotta have it , if you don't wanna eat shit.

I watch every one , other skaters like me; having their fun.
You are living your lives , but i can feel your'e always missing me.
I'm still skating it up, I'm doing just fine.
Kick, push , maybe a flip.
Going strong , perfect balance.

My days and nights mesh .
Skate sesh everlasting; endless.
It's wonderful , iv'e still got my groove.
I think about you guys , I miss you too.
Kick , push , maybe a flip.
Air and hair .
No lies , just love.

the abyss.

where were you ?
i needed you today.
i miss you .
my heart hurts .

my thoughts never stop racing.
i'm still having nightmares.
i'm fighting urges to slip into my old habits.
even music can make me cry .
i'm starting to hate the things i love.

music .. art.. the things i held close to me.
they lack meaning.
or they hold too much .
i push myself too hard.
i give my all , and it's not enough .
kick boxing .. i attack it.
i don't recognize all of this stubborn ferocity .

so much is going on .
i can't process these things.
i'm scared. i'm angry .
you would help me get through it .
you always tried , always cared when you saw me cry .

your'e gone.
you can't come back .
i hate death .
it's too permanent.
it's the only thing in this life that's guaranteed.

why can't you come back ?

i'm sitting here sobbing in a towel toga...

exactly six months ago , a good friend of mine fought for his life.
a pick up truck struck him while he was skate boarding home from work.

six months ago , on August 14th 2010, he died.

people say God called him home .
that it was his time to go .
sometimes i get really frustrated .
why couldn't he have been one of the ones that died and came back ,
like on that show ? you know ?
why not nick ?

he was such a wonderful person.
he had such a great capacity to love ...
he taught his friends what it meant to love , and to respect.
he'd better be somewhere that's damn wonderful .
because that's what he deserves.

maybe we can be considered selfish for wanting him here .
but right now , we are wanting him back .
we weren't ready to let him go .
i hate seeing my friends put on their strong face and try to make it through yet another day with out him .
i hate knowing that there is a sister with out her brother, a mother & father with out their son.

they say that with time , things will heal .
they say that with time , this will get easier .
can you tell me , will it ?
can i see a boy on a skate board & not burst into tears?
will a simple song still be able to ruin my day?

nickety bee , we miss you .
love & big bear hug.

today

i watched a shit ton of football.
Saw my Packers win (clay matthews = crazy white boy).
Saw the Jets play a good game , and the Steelers cheat thier way to victory (yet again.)

I discovered some very stressful things. That make me want to kick a person's ass.

And , i swear to Buddha... if one more freaking person gets into a relationship,
i'm going to shoot something. i'd really like for the universe to
stop rubbing it in my face that nothing ever goes my way.

*end rant*

when it all seemed shitty anyways..

just when i thought things couldn't get any worse .
they did .
that maybe on my mom's brain surgery , is a definite .
she's got to have it .
i'm scared shitless for her.
i'm frustrated because i don't want to see my mom weak like that again.
i'm scared for me too.
i'm afraid of what all of this extra stress is going to do to me.

we'll have to wait until late march , early april
to find out .